Ripped By mstoll
Another six months and I wouldn't be able to get this seat belt round me.
- Sandy, shush. - What?
People will hear.
I'm not ashamed of being pregnant.
You're only three months' pregnant.
- Only? It's a third of the way, Oliver. - Yes, all right.
Well, if you were a third of the way up Everest, you wouldn't say "only".
- All right. - Or a third of the way across the Channel.
Yes, well, we'll soon be a third of the way home. Do you think that pleases me?
Now, you agreed to leave early.
- Wasn't turning out to be much of a holiday. - Wasn't it?
- Well, with you unable to eat the food... - It didn't stop you eating it.
I lost my appetite, tucking into those frogs' legs,
while you toyed with an omelette and kept waving away my garlic fumes.
- Well... - Yes.
Trying to get through a bottle of claret on my own,
while you were sipping water made me feel like a wino.
Swimming on my own, while you sat on the beach, shaded by an umbrella.
I joined you in the water.
Oh, yes, fully-dressed... only up to your knees.
- Evenings were hardly romantic, were they? - Oh, Oliver, they were.
Strolling down the Avenue Des Anglais with all those palm trees
and those little coloured lights, and the sea twinkling away.
- I meant the nights. - Oh.
All that heat and all that food and all that wine, it makes you feel like...
Yes, I know what it makes you feel like, Oliver. I've said I'm sorry.
I bet I was the only frustrated person on the whole Côte d'Azur.
Well, perhaps not.
Anyway, I was being cautious. Celia Wilson said I should be cautious.
Celia Wilson is cautious to the point of paranoia.
When she was three months' pregnant...
Doesn't Celia measure the height of the kerb before she steps onto the road?
She said that early pregnancy is more dangerous than late pregnancy.
Yes, well, she's got five children, she must like living dangerously.
- She took precautions. - What, with five children?
You know what I mean.
Oliver, it's not going to be like this for the next six months, is it?
What, with me feeling a bit like a spare... part at a wedding? I shouldn't be at all surprised.
Well, you were as pleased as punch when you first found out.
Ah, yes, but if you remember, Sandy, Punch did go off the baby.
I see, and you're off ours?
Of course I'm not off it. I'm just disappointed, darling. It's our first holiday for ages.
Never mind, darling, we'll make up for it next year.
Oh, yes, it'll be six months old. I'll be able to teach it to swim.
You may unfasten your seat belts now.
Oh, thank you. You know, a few more months and I wouldn't be able to get into this.
Never mind, everyone puts on weight in the south of France.
Well, how lovely to see the old place again. Seems we've hardly been away.
Well, we have hardly been away, unless you call six days the holiday of a lifetime.
I wouldn't go on if I were you.
You're not exactly standing ten feet tall in my eyes at the moment.
Aren't I? Not after sacrificing a week of my precious holiday?
Yeah, letting me struggle along with this bag.
Struggle? A couple of bottles of duty free?
Oliver, I don't know whether you've ever noticed,
but pregnant ladies are not supposed to be weighed down like a mountain mule.
How did a mountain mule get into this?
Husbands are supposed to offer to carry things.
Look, just because I'm a prospective father
does not mean to say I've suddenly grown a third arm.
Answer that, will you?
Come on, Oliver.
Hello?
- You're back. - Yes, it's breaking.
How's Sandra? Poor soul, having to make that journey.
Mrs Bennett, we didn't do the journey by pedal power.
We did have a couple of turbojet engines to help us through the clouds.
May I speak to my daughter, please, Oliver?
Oh, yes, of course. I'll help her to the telephone.
It's Jaws.
Hello.
Yes.
How are you?
Answer that, will you, please?
Mm. Well...
With my luck, that'll be your father.
Oh, I thought I heard your front door bang,
and then I thought, "It can't be. They've got another week."
- Then I thought burglars. - That's jolly kind, Jennifer.
It's not as exciting, it's just us - the well-known pregnancy experts and non-holidaymakers.
Did you want to speak to Sandy? She's having a chat with her mother,
so you've got time to watch a play on television first. Come in.
So why did you come back early? Bad weather?
No, bad news.
Well, good news - our first. Sandy is pregnant.
Oh, well, congratulations, Oliver.
Well, I've got rather mixed feelings about it, actually.
A week off my holiday and the prospect of six months of monastic celibacy.
- You couldn't keep it to yourself? - That's what I'm talking about.
No, Sandy's pregnancy - could you keep it to yourself?
Well, her mother knows about it
and she commands an audience equivalent to the Queen's Christmas broadcast.
- Just don't tell David. - Don't tell David?
We've been going through rather a crisis while you've been away. It's nothing to do with you.
Well, actually, it is in a way, your being married and David wanted us to do the same thing.
I said what's the point if we didn't want children? And he said he did want children.
Well, call me a coward, or wanting the independent life,
- but I've never felt very hen-like. - No, I've never felt like a cockerel.
- But you do understand, don't you? - Yeah.
If David hears about Sandy, it'll only bring the whole thing up again.
Well, I'll do my best, but Sandy is transmitting on the same wavelength as her mother.
Just for a day or two, till I can break the news to him myself.
He left me for two days last week, you know.
What, because you didn't want children?
When he gets back from the pub, we're going away, a sort of second honeymoon.
- You haven't had the first one yet. - No.
- I'll tell Sandy to suspend the commercial. - Thanks.
- Oliver! - Radio Jaws must have closed early today.
- Don't forget about David. - Right, I'll tiptoe through the tulips.
- Thanks. - Ta-ta.
Bye.
Mum's coming round.
Oh, well, it was worth coming back early, then, wasn't it?
Who was that?
Jennifer.
Oh. Well, did you tell her?
What, about our contribution to the population explosion? Yes.
- What did she say? - "Don't tell David!"
She issued the statutory congratulations, of course,
but she would be grateful if we could keep it from David as long as possible.
- Why? - Well, he wants a baby and she doesn't.
You know, a sort of reversal of our roles.
How long are you going to keep this up, Oliver?
Her own words. They had a two-day split up over the subject.
How long's our split up going to be? The rest of our lives?
Ah, your mother must have forgotten an instalment.
Hello?
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
Your mother's instalment.
Yes, well, it was a bit of a pity, but...
Well, Oliver's taking it very well, actually. Mm.
Would you like to speak to him? He's right here.
Yes, proud as a peacock. Hang on.
Thank you.
Hello, Mum.
Oliver, darling, I'm so pleased.
You know, there were times when I thought perhaps you might not make it.
Oh, thanks for the confidence.
Oh, would you answer that, please, darling? Thank you.
Well, it wasn't on our things-going-wrong list, Mum, but perhaps we should have planned...
- Sssh! - Come in.
We kept ringing you from the pub on the corner till we got the engaged signal.
- Congratulations, Sandy. - Oh, thank you.
- Sorry you had to come back so soon. - Yes, well, so is Oliver. In fact, he's furious.
I'm beginning to wish there wasn't any baby.
Oh, come on, Sandy, he must be proud.
No, he never wanted a baby. We've often talked about it.
See, this was a complete accident, so it looks as if it's my fault.
- He just goes on and on and on... - Oh, we'll cheer him up.
- Yes, of course, tell him how clever he's been. - I don't think he wants to talk about the baby.
- On the plane, he called it "a bloody cuckoo". - Are you sure?
Cuckoo?
Your father had to go up north, this morning, but he said congratulations.
Do you know, I haven't seem him so cock-a-hoop since you were a tiny bulge.
- Oh, really? - To be absolutely honest, darling,
he wasn't totally keen on being a father, at first.
Well, you were on the way a little sooner than we intended.
And I think he was a bit afraid of having you run our life.
What, Dad was?
Well, a lot of fathers are, you know. Now, you won't be like that, will you, Oliver?
It would make Sandy very, very unhappy,
and this is a time of great happiness for her, for both of you, as it is for both of us.
Yes, you're quite right, Mum.
Well, I'll be right over, Oliver dear, you clever, clever boy.
Oh, well, it was nothing really, you know.
I'll see you soon, then, Mum. Bye-bye.
Yeah.
So, if you could just play it down a bit, you know, just for today.
Well, till he gets used to our cuckoo, anyway. OK?
- OK. OK? - OK.
- OK.
Look.
Victor! Ken!
- How did you know we were back? - Veronica happened to meet your mother.
- Yes, that well-known radio station. - Oh.
- I see, so my mother spread the word, did she? - Yes.
- Well, you know the news, then. - That you were coming home a week early.
Yes, but the reason why we came back a week early.
Oh, yes, yes.
- Well, come on, you two, sit down. - Oh, yes, thank you.
- I've always liked this room, haven't you? - Yes.
- Restful. - Light.
Light.
- Did you have a good time? - What? Well, yes.
- Yes, as far as it went, but, of course, Sandy... - Course, we envied you.
- Yes, all that sunshine. - The weather here's been absolutely vicious.
- Really? Oh, well, anyway... - Even after a week, you've got a good colour.
- Have I? Yes, well, anyway... - Well, especially Oliver.
- Especially Oliver. - Yes, but Sandy didn't get out in the sun much.
- That is because... - Poor Sandy.
- Still, a tan never lasts long, does it? No. - No.
Do you know, when I came back from Portugal, I came back black.
Yes, I was black. Do you know, in a week or two...
Look, please, Sandy is pregnant. Didn't you know?
- Oh, yes. Well done. - Yes.
- But even one week away's worth it, isn't it? - Mm.
Yes.
And you've got a whole week before you go back to the office.
- Lots of things you can do. - Yes.
- Quite apart from a long lie-in. - Quite.
Yes, but you see, we didn't know Sandy was pregnant till we got out there.
- No, quite. - Otherwise you mightn't have gone.
No, but as I was saying, now that you are back, all those things you can do...
Do you know, I had never seen the Tower of London until this year?
- Hadn't you? - No, I hadn't.
- I have never been to the Tate Gallery. - Good Lord!
- Have you? - No, I haven't.
Why are we discussing the Tate Gallery and the Tower of London when there's a baby in there?
It's our first baby and you've paid it as much attention as a Reader's Digest circular.
I'm sorry. Oliver, I'm sorry, it's my fault.
- What? - Well, I asked them not to talk about the baby.
I felt you'd moaned about it enough, so I asked them to play it down a bit.
- Well, I think they did jolly well, don't you? - Oh, I see.
- Congratulations, Oliver. - Oh, yes, well done.
- It's the first baby in the office for ages. - I can't wait for the christening party.
Am I really that much of an ogre?
Oh, well, only when you're having a baby, darling.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Well, don't be sorry.
- Just try and be glad. - I am glad, truly.
- Really? - Really. I'm sorry.
- It's going to be all right. - Yes, it is.
Silly, old thing.
Any chance of a celebration drink?
Oh, I'm so sorry. What would you like? We've got a couple of bottles of cheap sparkling left.
Darling, we'll have to get a couple of bottles of the real stuff in, sometime.
I think you had enough of that last week, well, the first half, before you became a bit...
- Would you like sparkling? - Lovely.
So you weren't allowed to talk about our first baby in case Daddy got cross, eh?
- That's a pretty horrendous indictment. - Yes.
- No. - No.
It is. Wait till I get back to the office. You'll get enough baby talk to fill a filing cabinet.
I wouldn't be surprised if you both got broody.
Even Mr Manderson might start wondering if he was still up to it.
And, darling, I promise you I shall never call it a cuckoo again.
Whatever you decide to call it, here's to the new bird.
- Yes, indeed. - Cheers.
Not a burglar. Just let myself in to let you have your keys back.
- Oh, yes. Thank you very much, David. - Oh, yes, thanks, David.
- There, darling, they've said thank you. - Hang on, I haven't seen them for a week.
Well, couldn't you keep away from us, then? Why did you come back early?
Er, well, erm...
- It was really, erm... - Come on, darling, we must get off.
- Yes, well, thanks for the keys, David. - I see. Am I interrupting a party?
- Oh, no. - Yes.
Now, come on. Why did you come back a week early?
- David? - I tell you what, I'll go...
- Bye-bye. ...if I get one for the road. She's driving.
- Oh, well, all right, then, just a baby one. - A small one.
A small one.
Well, where's your manners? I haven't been introduced.
Oh, Ken, Victor, this is David.
Here you are, David. Knock it back.
Are you sure you can spare all those bubbles?
- Well, thanks very much and here's to... - The baby.
- Sssh-sssh-sssh-sssh! - Sorry?
Maybe, erm, maybe, er, sh... er, ssh... Sh... Shall we drink to your holiday?
- What? - The weekend, yes?
Oh, yes, I see, thanks. Cheers.
Mm. Talking of holidays, why did you come back a week early?
Well, Sandy's having a...
Come again?
- Sandy happens to be in the fa... - The weather turned nasty.
This stuff must be bloody strong.
Yes it is, actually. I shouldn't have any more. Have a lovely weekend. Nice to see you. Bye.
- You said it was all right to talk about... - Victor, it is. Talk about it over here.
- Talk about the what? - Ken!
- You're empty. - Well, I wasn't, up to now.
David, I'm not drinking, but I am driving. Come on, or we shall never get off.
Goodbye, David.
Oh, yes. Goodbye, David.
- Goodbye, David. - Goodbye, David.
I still don't know why they came back a week early.
- Well, let's find out when we come back. - Oh, well...
- Oh. - Oh, thank you. Are you friends of Sandy's?
- Yes. - Yes, we live there.
I'm Sandy's mother. Isn't it wonderful about her baby?
- Mm. Baby? - Come along, darling.
Didn't she tell you she was pregnant?
- David? - Pregnant?
- Hello, Mum, you were quick. - You're pregnant.
- Well, why didn't you tell him? - It's OK. I think I know why. Excuse me.
Thanks for trying.
Well, I simply don't understand what's going on.
Oh, a baby's going on, Mum. I hope you didn't have this trouble.
With David standing there, there was no way we could warn you.
- Don't apologise. - I thought everyone had gone mad.
- Another drink? - Don't spill mine, I'll finish it.
Oh, I didn't know you had friends.
Yes, we do have one or two left, Mrs Bennett.
Oh.
- Oh, Victor, Ken, my mother-in-law. - How do you do?
- Get Mum a drink, will you, please, darling? - Oh, certainly. Tea or coffee?
I'll have whatever you're drinking, Oliver.
Well, not too much. We don't want a repeat of your Dance of the Seven Veils.
Sit down, Mum.
Well, that was pretty hairy with David, just now.
Mm. He knows about the baby.
- How? - Mum met them at the door.
Oh, God. Someone ought to chop down her aerial.
Bottoms up, Mrs Bennett.
- Oh, we'll be going, Oliver. - Oh, no, no.
- No, this is a family thing. - Of course it is, we're starting a family.
- Yes, well, thanks for the drinks. - Oh, and congratulations.
I'm sorry. Her mother can empty a room faster than a bomb scare.
Yes, well, good luck. Good luck, Sandy.
- Yes, goodbye, Mrs erm... - Goodbye.
- Mum's brought some things. - She's not staying.
Some baby things.
- They were mine. - Aren't they a bit ancient?
I've been keeping them carefully, all these years, for just this moment.
- You were sure I'd turn up, then, were you? - There are more in the car.
- We haven't got room. - Well, we'll find room.
- Oh, thanks, Mum. - Well, everything's so expensive.
- You don't get this quality nowadays. - You haven't brought her old nappies?
It all looks wonderful.
Isn't it bad luck to buy baby things before it's born?
It's not unlucky to be given them and I wanted to be the first.
Course you did, Mum.
Well, my mother said it was unlucky.
Oliver, darling. I've brought you some things for the baby.
- You said it was unlucky. - What?
Oh, nothing. Hello, Mum. Come in.
- Thank you. - Hey, Sandy's mum's here.
Oh, dear.
Would you rather come back tomorrow?
Well, we haven't met since last Christmas, when we had that awful row.
We quarrelled. Do you remember?
She gave Sandy the same present as I gave her.
- I gave her mine first. - I know.
Oh, well, live and let live. That's my motto.
- I'd better tidy my face if I've got to look at hers. - Oh, right.
- Here's your christening robe, darling. - Oh, thanks, Mum.
It's been handed down from my great-grandmother, as you know.
- It's a little old-fashioned for this day and age. - No, it isn't, it's beautiful.
It's always been my dream that my grandchild would wear it.
It's Mum.
Oh, how nice.
- Hello, Mrs Pryde. - Hello, Sandy, dear.
- Congratulations again. - Isn't she clever?
Very, but my Oliver did his bit.
Mum has brought round some of my old baby things.
- Mine's brought some of mine. - Oh.
Mrs Bennett has not, I rather fancy, brought anything of this order.
Oliver's christening robe.
Sandra's.
This has been in my family for three generations.
Four.
All the children in my family have been christened in this.
Then it must be getting rather grubby.
Grubby?
Anyway, Sandra's already agreed to use ours, haven't you, Sandra?
Well...
On the first come, first served principle that was practised at Christmas,
when you preceded me with an identical present for Sandra.
- Look at the workmanship in this. - I thought we'd agreed.
You pontificated. I heard no agreement.
- Two drinks for the two mums. - Oh, thank you, dear.
Well, now...
To the newest member of the Prydes.
- To Sandra's baby. - Who will be a Pryde.
- With Bennett blood. - Seconds out.
I beg your pardon?
Well, I'm sorry, but I think you should both remember you're no longer just mums,
- but potential grandmums, so here's to that. - Yes.
And whether it's a girl or a boy, or a Bennett or a Pryde,
or a Pryde with Bennett blood, it'll still start life as a baby, and babies like a quiet life, so...
Exactly my sentiments, dear.
What else have you brought, Mrs Pryde?
Well, my christening robe, having been discarded...
- It's just that... - He couldn't wear two?
No.
Well, I've got this beautiful shawl.
Christening robes can only be worn once. This can be worn every day.
Oliver did - and it's not grubby.
It's beautiful.
And then there's this sleeping bag.
Well, it's not a sleeping bag, really.
It's a dressing gown-top and it folds over at the bottom.
- I brought one of those. - First come, first served.
- Oh, Sandy, look at these dear, little shoes. - I brought shoes.
- Not at first, of course, but for later on. - Shoes.
- Cot blankets, they cost the earth. - I brought cot blankets.
- This is as good as new. - So is mine.
- Anybody like another drink? - And look!
- This beautiful, little jacket for her first outing. - Or his.
- Have you got a baby walker? - No.
- I have, and a high chair. - I've got a high chair.
- And a playpen. - A baby alarm.
- Moses basket. - Nursing chair.
- Portable bath. - Nappy buckets.
End of round one.
When you find out that I've gone to live with my mother, I want you to know it wasn't my fault.
Not her fault? It's her bloody decision.
- Your decision. You forced me. - Never.
- Well, who went on and on? - You went on and on, about babies.
- Babies. - Well, it's unnatural not to want babies.
- All right, I'm unnatural. - And treating me like a baby.
Telling all those people not to mention Sandy's.
Cos I knew that this was the sort of reaction I would get.
It is the sort of reaction that babies always get.
You hear that? That's two proud grandmothers having a quiet chat with a pregnant wife.
Come on, I'll show you.
There you see. I can't stand six months of that.
I'm beginning to wish we'd never heard of Sandy's cuckoo.
Cuckoo? Selfish brute.
Don't you speak about my son like that.
- See what you've done? - See what I've done?
It's fairly obvious, isn't it?
- If you hadn't started... - Hello?
- Oh. - Well, it's fairly obvious.
Ladies, ladies, please. Thank you.
Oh. Hello, Doctor Robinson.
Ah, Mr Pryde, I gather that you were informed by my locum, Doctor Blake,
that your wife was pregnant.
A week ago, yes.
Yes, and at rather late notice, as her card was confused with a Mrs Price.
Well, far be it for me to criticise Dr Blake, but I'm not happy about the procedures a week ago
and I'd very much like to see Mrs Pryde as soon as possible.
You mean there may not be a baby?
I shan't commit myself till I've seen your wife.
Would 5:30 this evening suit her?
Yes.
Come along yourself, you know, just in case there's any disappointment.
I'm so sorry. Goodbye.
Yes, goodbye, Doctor.
I'm not pregnant?
Erm, he wants to see you at 5:30. He's just checking up on Dr Blake.
I'm sure everything's all right, darling.
You do want to be certain, don't you?
- Yes. - Well, of course you do.
I'm not certain what I want to be certain of.
I mean, if he says there isn't a baby, I'm not certain that I shall be desperately disappointed.
- Sandra! - Well, not desperately, no.
I would've been a week ago,
but the baby, if there is a baby, seems to have caused so much trouble, poor little soul.
So much bad blood and unhappiness,
with you and Mum, your mother and even David and Jennifer.
Well, I'm not certain that we wouldn't all be better off...
well, if that little baby wasn't a mistake on a medical card.
Darling, hey.
Well, I would be sorry about the mistake causing you to lose a week of your holiday.
- We've been done out of something too, dear. - Mm.
Yes, well, I'm sorry, but...
Well, there'll be another time, perhaps, when Oliver's ready for it.
Maybe even Jennifer'll change her mind and we'll have a joint production.
Anyway, I'm going to put my feet up.
Would you excuse me?
Well, I know I haven't got the excuse of a fainting, pregnant mother any more,
but I am very tired.
Hello?
- Dr Robinson. - Mrs Pryde, I couldn't contact Dr Blake,
- so I thought I'd better see you again. - Yes, I know.
But Dr Blake looked in a moment ago - he'd only just received my message -
and I'm happy to tell you that I totally share his confidence in your pregnancy.
I do apologise for giving you these few minutes of doubt,
but now I can add my own congratulations to all the others, can't I?
Hello? Mrs Pryde?
Oh, yes, I'm here, Doctor. Yes, thank you. Goodbye.
Well... you can start unpacking those things again.
- Yee-hoo! - That's wonderful news.
- Sorry, sorry. - I tell you what, we'll leave you to let it sink in.
I've got a feeling we won't be going anywhere this weekend,
so why don't you come in later and have a celebration supper with us?
Celebration?
- Celebration. - Great.
- We'd love to. Thank you. - See you later, then.
- You haven't far to go, have you? - No.
Bye.
- Oh, darling, are you really pleased? - I am really pleased.
I'm very, very pleased and I'm very, very proud.
It won't even cost too much, you know, because Mum's saved a lot of stuff,
and your mum's saved a lot of stuff, even down to a folding bath.
What do you mean? It's got its own bath?
Don't say it, darling.
Oh, sorry. What's wrong with our bath?
Well, when they're very tiny, you know, they could slip under the water.
It could turn them against bathing forever.
If it's a boy, it'll be against it in a few years, anyway.
- Don't say it, darling. - Sorry.
- Mum's even brought some buckets. - Buckets? What for?
- That one is for filling and emptying the bath. - We've got to hump gallons of water about?
- And that one is for soaking nappies. - Nappies?
- You won't have to touch them. - Oh, I won't, don't worry.
Unless your mother's brought a plastic barge pole.
Don't be silly.
- How long does it wear nappies for? - Don't say it, darling.
- But I was going to give the bootees. - Well, we can both give bootees.
- Don't be ridiculous. - Don't call me ridiculous.
Well, a baby never outgrows first bootees.
- Now, look, you've given the christening robe... - Which is only going to be worn once.
- But you wanted to give the christening robe. - Now, you listen to me.
Now, you listen to us.
Drink up or shut up.
Ripped By mstoll